PerfectDrug.Org // I GOT MY HEART BUT MY HEART'S NO GOOD

I feel like my life is falling apart around me. I’m trying my hardest to keep everything together. I’m so tired of doing it all alone. And now.. I feel like I don’t even know my own child anymore.

I’m in this alone. I’m gonna fight as long as I can but I feel like I’m drowning.

I watched this movie called Monica & David. It’s about these two people with Down Syndrome who fall in love, get married and have the first year of their married life documented. It’s a cute movie. It kind of made me sad though because I sat here thinking about the fact that these two people with Down Syndrome can be so happily in love with one another, and I’m incapable of being truly loved. Yeah, way to make it about me.

It’s just another long and sleepless night for me. The one good thing about not being able to sleep at night is that it’s kind of peaceful and I have time to reflect upon things during the calm. I know that I don’t deal with things like a normal person would.. lol “normal”. What the hell is normal anyway? I know I’m a fucked up person. There’s absolutely no denying that. I used to think I had it all figured out. Well, I thought I had myself figured out but not anymore.

All I want is to be okay again.

It’s still weird to me how emotional pain can make you physically hurt. We say it’s our heart.. but it’s really not. Your heart is the organ that pumps blood throughout your body. That pain comes from somewhere else.. deeper inside. So deep that it actually seems to be unreachable. Maybe it’s our soul that gets wounded. That makes more sense. At least to me.

I know that I am the only one that can mend my wounded soul. It takes time to heal, like all wounds, physical and emotional. I am pretty certain that I am going to be alright. I’ve been through enough “soul ache” and other bullshit in my life.. I’ve survived it. I just wish it got easier. It doesn’t get easier, and contrary to what people say you don’t learn how to deal with it better. This shit fucking hurts!

I avoided getting close to anyone for a long time. I had my reasons, I still have them. But not very often someone comes along that no matter how hard you try to fight it, they break down your walls and they get inside your head and your heart, soul.. whatever. When that happens, its game over.

Something I learned about myself since he walked into my life is that I’m not as strong as I thought I was. Because no matter how much shit I’ve lived through, no matter how bad of a childhood I survived, no matter what I do or say.. when it comes to him I am a weak bitch. I don’t know why. I don’t like not being able to control myself or my emotions.

So what do I do? I run away. And for awhile, even though I constantly think about him I’m okay.. but after a while I start to feel a little crazy and out of control. Then a little while after that its basically full blown chaos.

I am in no position emotionally to be able to have an actual relationship with anyone right now. Especially him.. he’s told me so many lies, mind fucked me in ways that I never knew possible.. (not that I haven’t done my share of mind fucking, it’s what crazy people do…) and just basically wrecked whatever trust and confidence I had in him. And the girlfriend factor.. can’t forget that. But I do know that right now I’d give pretty much anything to hear his voice. I hate myself for that. So weak.

As much as I wish I could sit here and wallow in self pity for awhile longer, life doesn’t give a fuck about my little pity party. It’s 6 AM. I have to get the boy up and ready for school and I have to take care of my bunnies.

She’ll let you in her house
If you come knockin late at night
She’ll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She’ll let you deep inside
But there’s a secret garden she hides

She’ll let you in her car
To go drivin round
She’ll let you into the parts of herself
That’ll bring you down
She’ll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don’t think twice

You’ve gone a million miles
How far’d you get
To that place where you can’t remember
And you can’t forget

She’ll lead you down a path
There’ll be tenderness in the air
She’ll let you come just far enough
So you know she’s really there
She’ll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She’s got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away